Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Actual Progress vs. Perceived Progress



Yeah, OK. You may know you're making crazy progress on your home improvement project, but a lot of times you're the only one that can see it, and your wife/girlfriend/significant other just thinks you're a procrastinating sack of shit who is getting nothing done and ruining her life. You have 4 ways of dealing with this.
1. Shut them down: Tell your accuser, "Buzz off - It'll get done if you quit your bellyaching." Bad idea. I don't recommend this unless you feel like having no sex for a month.
2. Take them to a safe island: Pretend you're a grown man and muster some patience. Walk them through it one more time explaining the process (again) and what the target dates are for each stage (again). Get a shoebox and make a diorama like in 3rd grade. Use Lego people and cream cheese for plaster.
3. Give the appearance of progress: This sounds like a joke but it's not. It's something that subcontractors do for contractors, contractors do for developers, etc. it's not a bad thing. This doesn't mean that you craft a fake world in which your life is a pathetic charade of phony progress. I'm saying sometimes you have to drop what you're doing and go start something else just to make someone else see with their own eyes that things are getting done.
4. Get Freaky: Make up an excuse that has nothing to do with construction, and find a way to tie it in with shaving your entire body and receiving "powerful instructions" from the jackal-headed God, Anubis. You will be left alone for the remainder of the project.

37 Comments:

Blogger Rev. Brandy said...

1. Love the disembodied-Christopher-Walken-head-over-floor-plan graphic. LOVE it.
2. Love the fact that you acknowledge that renovating a home can be the undoing of even a strong personal relationship --- I have a friend who claims his fixer-upper may have been the second-to-last nail in the coffin of his own dissolving marriage.
3. Love your blog, dude. Thanks for sharing your fascinating journey.

7:53 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Really funny stuff. Makes me want to throw more swear words into my blog. Ya gotta cut up when you're working with moron contractors or you'll go nuts. The back door story is pretty spooky. You should move down south where it's legal to use a 12-guage with a trip wire, as long as you pay the city permit fee. Keeps most of the local crackheads away.

8:45 PM  
Blogger good luck said...

Excellent work. I love the blog- the one about someone breaking in sucked as last year I had to deal with an almost breakin. One of the scariest moments of my life...

8:58 PM  
Blogger anne said...

You got yourself a fab read here. Plus having Christopher Walken as a guardian angel, well, that rocks.
OK, I'll quit talking out my arse. Very very well done again.

9:17 PM  
Blogger Daniel Heath said...

or, try:
5. diversionary fire. this one always works for me. this is a combination of the shiny-object approach (look! over there! pretty!) with the let's-all-pitch-together-in-an-emergency kind of girls-girls-let's-fight-later-can't-you-see-the-flood-waters-are-rising method. hard to argue with shouts of FIRE!

(if you need just a few hours, light it in a trash can or something. but if you need some serious breathing space, you're going to have to torch an out-building.)

I -can't- finish the gas line, I've got to spec out a new shed.

(PS -your- writing kicks ass.)

11:10 AM  
Blogger proub said...

this is the funniest stuff I have ever read. Hubby talks about doing the remodel shuffle all the time. I say put me to sleep and wake me when it's over. Good luck with your plans.

12:28 PM  
Blogger Shiggy G said...

Love the tips

kudos

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Blogger jkirlin said...

I'm going to Get Freaky when asked for paperwork at work. I'm so excitied. I'm shaving all my body hair off as I type this!

How do you get body hair shavings out of a keyboard?

6:17 PM  
Blogger Daniel Heath said...

re: hair in the keyboard.

fire.

may have to get a new keyboard afterward, but you'll have a hell of a conversation piece.

"so, what happened to that melted keyboard?"

"funny, you should ask."

etc.

12:24 AM  
Blogger anne said...

It's Christopher Walken's b'day today (http://www.imdb.com/). Thought you should know...

1:26 AM  
Blogger Ethan the wonderful. said...

well I find that fact remarkable

Great blog, I am checking it neuroticly waiting for new posts.

well I am starving and am going to go eat,
(like you really needed to know THAT)

11:06 AM  
Blogger jenn see said...

having delineated these pearls of wisdom, which, in your view, will best keep your other from hurling hammers at your head?

12:20 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

6.Lots of bribes and backrubs! Give the significant other lots of treats while doing projects to classically condition them to actually LIKE the huge mess!

The diversionary things also works, but I've never set anything on fire for that one.

7:53 PM  
Blogger joshua "G" said...

I can completely relate to the perception of progress thing. My wife and I bought a fixer-upper [and are currently living in it] and she is always saying when are we ever going to get this finished after I busted my butt all weekend getting things finished! As I do like sex and do not want annother divorce I follow advice in 2; however I think I might try 4 next time.

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