Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Museum of Unnatural History: Part 3



The house came with some truly beautiful details. This rare and attractive “Placeless Fireplace” offers the corner-of-the-eye impression of a fireplace, but a straight-on glance reveals no actual place in which to build a fire. Kind of like when you’re in a store and some freaky guy is staring at you, and you turn and say “what the fuck are you looking at, Jack” and you realize it’s a mannequin. I was considering making this the centerpiece of the whole foyer design, but I was shocked, shocked I tell you!, to find that the stones were stick-on foam replicas of real stones.

42 Comments:

Blogger Jehosafat Armbender said...

maybe it's Al Capone's vault

2:52 PM  
Blogger Broccoli McGee said...

love the writing, am appalled at the fake stones, and noticed your kitty box wants changing...all in all, big smiles all around.

3:12 PM  
Blogger aleighoops said...

"...and you realize it’s a mannequin" You did it again. I laughed out loud. Who are you funny man?

7:02 PM  
Blogger sex diary of a house wife said...

and you didn't even mention the wonderfun "object duh art" - what a beaut!

9:37 PM  
Blogger anne said...

The beams on the ceiling are fake at my parents' house - through no fault of their own, they bought the house.
But then they kept the beams.

10:29 PM  
Blogger Lori Mocha said...

Why would anyone do such a thing?!

1:46 PM  
Blogger mysfit said...

I am shocked too. People do strange things, like someone actually thought that this was a good idea. Someone actually made the choice to put up a non-fire place, but one with fake stones. Brilliant!

9:15 AM  
Blogger SierraBella said...

People generally create things like this to cover up even worse problems.
My first house had 9 marbled stick-on mirror squares just stuck on the wall. Upon removal we found several drawings of Snoopy, in indelible ink. After three coats of paint it still bled through.
I'd love to know what's under your faux rocks... maybe not!

12:07 PM  
Blogger jkirlin said...

Ok, Jay...a few comments...

1st, it's nice to see that blogger makes it as hard to comment here as difficult as it is to comment on my blogger site. Your Gentle Readers just try harder than my Gentle Viewers. (Bad, Gentle Viewers! Bad!).

2nd, my old man has a fake fireplace in the basement from floor to ceiling, complete with a mantle made of REAL field stones dug from a REAL FIELD across the the road from the house. Fake stones my not look like much, Brodie Bro, after having passed over 300 fieldstones through a cellar window, they are a gift from GOD!

3rd, years later he came across this old mantle he wanted to put on the living room wall. Again, no real fireplace, but to lend 'authenticity', he spray painted the place where the firebox would be with black 'car trunk' paint. The nicest touch, I feel, is the black painted electrical outlet right in the middle of it. I wanted to get a picture of the vacuum plugged into the 'fireplace' but after I told him why, he suggested, in effect that I take a picture of my colon.

5:55 PM  
Blogger Lulu de cacharrel said...

congratulations for your blog.
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good luck

6:31 PM  
Blogger Sylvana said...

That stone looks like this angelfood candy that my grandma used to give me. Maybe they were going for the gingerbread house look.

9:34 PM  
Blogger Late Edition said...

brilliant ... genius ... it's pieces of magnificence like your fake fake fireplace that convince me that there cannot possibly be life anywhere else in the universe ... this kind of mastery of the absurd cannot be replicated ... awesome

3:29 AM  
Blogger Nicholas said...

Very suave. Your house (and especially that faux "fireplace") reminds me vaguely of the Napolean Dynomite house from the movie.

6:05 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

once, I was in an easter musical where they stoned Stephen with styrofoam boulders. He said, "I see heaven opened and the son of man seated at the right hand of the father," and then was promptly silenced by a rock made from the same stuff that I drink my coffee out of at gas stations.

11:17 PM  
Blogger Juno said...

Awsome, everyone needs a styrofoam fireplace. It makes for a unique experience, and possibly some hallucinations from the CFC's!


A

12:50 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

That is hilarious - well done.

7:08 AM  
Blogger Willow said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:14 PM  
Blogger Willow said...

I give it a 9. The faux stones on a faux fireplace!--how appropriate.
Irony lives on.

8:15 PM  
Blogger Blast said...

I gotta' say I am not really into spending a great deal of time reading blogs. There are sooo many good ones' out there that I wouldn't get anything done. BUT! I kinda got sucked into yours because remodeling is an interest of mine...and man you ARE WAY TOO FUNNY! Just sucked me in even deeper...damn you!

9:02 PM  
Blogger Romy geissler said...

looks like some of the work in houses i've seen here in good ol' apalachia! i once found , well, i really don't know what it was, but it looked like an attempt at a medicine cabinet in the bedroom, though the doors didn't work!
urgh! good luck!

6:56 AM  
Blogger AKS said...

That's almost as genius as the rather large double lightswtich in my bedroom that leads to absolutely no lights in my house.

6:24 AM  
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thank you for the laugh......thank you thank you thank you best laugh i have had in a long while...love your humor

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Blogger Roberto Iza said...

Dear administrator:

Some of our earlier comments may include links that are no longer valid or that do not have a nofollow value. They might very well lead you today to a third party. Therefore,
I ask you, if you would be so kind, to please delete or disregard those
comments.

Many thanks and best wishes,

Iza, Roberto Iza

Muy Señores Míos:

Algunos de nuestros comentarios incluyen vínculos rotos que bien pudieran llevar hoy a una tercera persona. Por tanto, le rogamos, por favor, que los deseche o desestime.

Gracias y recuerdos

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