Friday, April 01, 2005

Another One Down!

Doing a home renovation is like being Bruce Lee in "Game of Death." Faking your own death and getting fitted for a bumble-bee-colored race car suit are not crucial parts of the initial stages, but that's up to you. There's this giant Chinese temple and you got to waste each dude on each level with LIGHTNING QUICK!-HITE! HITE! HITE! Jeet Kune Do moves. One by one you paint the bamboo floors with enemies' sorry-ass blood and move up until you are the martial arts master and have exacted revenge on the underworld that has wronged you. Yesterday, I got past the first level with hardly a scratch. The new structural plans came back from the engineered lumber supplier with all the calculations, and I met with my guy and we went over every detail. All I gotta do is make adjustments to some of the other drawings, and then I'm ready to battle the next guy: The Building Dept. And those guys know crazy karate moves and will have you in a choke hold and eagle-claw your eyes out in seconds, but I will reverse! Double thumbs to the ears! Praying Mantis HITE! HITE! to the nose!! And WATTAAAA! SPIN KICK! How's your larynx, SUCKA!!


Blogger anne said...

I'm cheering you on as I type, can you hear? Go get'em, tiger...!

6:35 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Jay, your blog is so funny, it makes me cry. I'm not talking about laughing so hard I'm crying, I'm talking about shedding tears at the pure genius of the humor that you share with mankind.

(Good going with the "WATTAAAA" sound effect, too. Flawless onomatopoeia.)

7:39 AM  
Blogger Tim B. said...

lol Jay.
Great job.

7:59 AM  
Blogger jkirlin said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:54 AM  
Blogger jkirlin said...

It's so weird talking to The Building Department because their mouth movements don't match their sounds. It's just really weird.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Daniel Heath said...

man, be glad you don't live in my neighborhood. apparently nobody told the local building dept. that the dude on the second level is not supposed to be the baddest one. I live in the bay area, and around here our city departments are like 10-ton cgi trolls. they lay the blue-screen smackdown on any fool who dares step into their cave. you got two options: make friends with your neighbors and hope like hell no one squeals (my approach for converting an in-law, but not exactly an option when you're pouring yourself a new foundation), or just get yourself a lawyer and go in there guns blazing. otherwise, it's just:
building troll: GRRRRRN
you: [punch. punch. punch.]
building troll: [smash]
you: [dies]

vaya con Dios.

1:54 PM  
Blogger valerie said...

Only in the "land of the free" do we have to become the land of the "frustrated". I love the way you are putting it all in it's place....Kung Foo forever, Jay. It's just another button to push on the control board! I can see you in the fight ..BAM, Hi-ee-ya!
Ops! I think that was your wasted time taking a hit!
Press on..

9:05 PM  
Blogger Raine said...

Ha ha! I'm loving your Bruce Lee heroics. :-)

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good laugh, actually really good laughs. When I saw the frame in the snow all I could think of was that you found Noah's Ark! I can't stop laughing!!!!

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